If you’re looking for books about women no longer tolerating abuse from men, whether it’s for your own education or to send a link to someone who needs it, this is the place.
First, I’d like to clarify that most of my clients are men, and I think they’re great. I count myself very blessed to have many good men in my life.
I have nothing against good men.
I do, however, have a whole lot against misogyny and mistreatment of women.
I keep seeing people (mostly men, but a few women who are known as “pick mes”) saying that the reason more women are initiating divorce is because women are selfish and that it’s frivolous. This meme was posted on Facebook by an Orthodox priest—an archimandrite, no less—in reference to the topic.
The red words on the following images are my edits to them. I pasted the word LIE over the top of what he posted, just so that none of my readers think I believe what is in that image.
As some say in comment sections, here, I fixed it for you.
Regarding the statement that tons of women are getting divorced over trivial things, nothing could be further from the truth.
Women have sacrificed everything for their marriages, and statistics and studies prove it. Married men live longer than single men. Married women die much sooner than single women, and that’s not counting the women who die at the hands of men they are or have been romantically involved with. Women literally give their lives to men they marry, only to be used and abused at every turn, and we are sick of it.
Younger generations of women grew up watching their mothers being mistreated, and they refuse to let that be their lives. Now there are more women no longer tolerating abuse. It’s about time things change.
Women initiating divorce
The landscape of marriage and divorce has undergone significant changes over the past few decades, with a noticeable shift in the percentage of divorces initiated by women. Now, 80% of divorces are initiated by women, and if the women are educated, it’s 90%.
This article explores some reasons, focusing on the increased financial independence, educational attainment, and intolerance for abuse, inequality, and the burden of unpaid labor shouldered by women. By giving some statistics and drawing from various sources, this article aims to counter the lies with truth. You will find links to books that offer much more information.
Financial Independence
One of the most significant factors contributing to the shift in divorce initiation by women is the increased financial independence available to them. Historically, women’s economic dependency on men made it impossible to leave unsatisfactory or abusive marriages. So they had to take matters into their own hands, quite literally.
- Many men died mysteriously (the black-eyed peas tasted great to everyone else at the table).
- A great number had accidents (PopPop fell off the ladder).
- Or they went out for cigarettes one day and just never came home.
The only way out for a woman then was to wait patiently for her husband to die, or execute her husband. I won’t use the word murder because in so many cases, it was deserved.
No-fault divorce saved the lives of many men, and many women, too. And now, some people are trying to get rid of it so they can keep women trapped in abusive marriages. I believe if they succeed, the depression, suicide, and “daddy died” rates will go back up.
Legislation and societal changes now allow women to have bank accounts and mortgages without a male cosigner, granting them financial autonomy. According to a report by the National Bureau of Economic Research, access to credit and bank accounts has empowered women to make independent financial decisions, contributing to their ability to initiate divorce when necessary. Rates of female suicide dropped by 20% according to them (I’ve seen 30% cited elsewhere).
A woman could not have a bank account of her own (without a man’s name on it) until 1974. Read that again: 1974. The financial landscape has changed, thank God!
Educational Attainment
Social media has helped millions of women learn so much. Through TikTok and other sources, and through books on the subject, women have been learning that they are not alone and don’t have to put up with garbage anymore. A “tolerable level of permanent unhappiness” is unacceptable.
Women have surpassed men in educational attainment, earning more college degrees. That correlates with better job prospects and higher earnings. The Pew Research Center highlights that more women have degrees than men now, and they constitute more than half the workforce in the US. That has implications for their economic independence and a power shift within marriages.
When a woman can get a good job, she’s less likely to put up with mistreatment from her husband.
Women no longer tolerating abuse or inequality
The increased awareness and intolerance of abuse and gender inequality play a crucial role in why more women initiate divorce. Women are increasingly less likely to tolerate any form of abuse. The National Domestic Violence Hotline provides data indicating that an empowered understanding of consent and personal boundaries has also led more women to leave abusive relationships.
The Church still enables abusive men and blames and punishes abused wives, but fortunately, that is starting to change, too. I could write a book on that one (and I am).
Weaponized Incompetence
The concept of “weaponized incompetence” is where one partner (often the male in heterosexual relationships) feigns inability to perform tasks to avoid responsibility. How many stories have you heard or told about a man royally screwing up a simple household task and the wife vowing to never again ask him to do that task? It’s so common, it’s a meme!
There’s also a song with a very catchy tune that is all about this garbage, told from the point of view of the man. The song is “Incompedance.”
Weaponized incompetence is emotional abuse and manipulation.
Studies suggest that recognition of these tactics has led women to seek more egalitarian relationships, including taking the step to divorce if necessary.
The mental load and unpaid labor
Another critical aspect influencing the trend is the disproportionate share of the mental load and unpaid labor undertaken by women in marriages.
What is “the mental load”? It is the invisible and mentally exhausting burden of the organization and management of household tasks and family care, a burden that historically has been on the wife. Research published in the Journal of Marriage and Family and in The American Sociological Review points to the mental load as a significant factor in marital dissatisfaction among women. A great podcast on this topic is perfectly named The Mental Load.
Unpaid labor is another sticking point for most households. Despite progress toward gender equality, women continue to perform the majority of unpaid labor at home. Men have been able to have careers because they’ve had women taking care of everything else for them.
Having a husband gives a wife a minimum of seven hours of extra work every week.
This song has been called by many “The rage anthem of our generation.” Rage? Oh, no, dear reader. We do need a rage anthem, but this song is so mild.
Men taunt, “Sure, get divorced. Then you can do all the work, all by yourself.” The sheer volume of women who say they have less work to do postdivorce than they ever did married is astounding. A scroll through some TikTok or Reddit comments is a jaw-dropping experience.
The Organisation for Economic Cooperation and Development reports that women spend considerably more time on unpaid work than men across the globe, contributing to feelings of imbalance and resentment in marriages. This is despite the fact that women have full-time jobs. Women work full-time, then come home and work another full-time job taking care of the house and children. The book The Second Shift (linked below) addresses that.
So, if the husband loses his job, he does more around the house, right?
No. Just the opposite.
Women whose husbands are unemployed do even more of the work around the house, although we’re not sure how that is even possible, considering she’s doing almost everything to begin with.
The few things that are done by most men are tasks that need to be done rarely, some once in a lifetime. My sons did the math with generous amounts for the men and determined it’s about two percent of the daily load the wife carries.
Another big reason women are initiating divorce more than men is that men are too lazy to go file the papers. They’ll cheat, check out, and even move out, but they’ll still force the woman to go do the work of filing for divorce.
Not advocating for the abuse of men
Another “to be clear” statement I feel the need to make is that I am not advocating for the abuse of men. Many men predict this will happen. Why? They are afraid women will do to them what they’ve done to women. Also, often, a pendulum will swing too far the other way.
I don’t want that, and neither do most women. Whether or not it would teach men a lesson, treating men as they have treated women throughout history would be horrendous. An applicable quotation I see often in comment sections is this: “Men should thank their lucky stars that women just want equality and not revenge.”
Myths about women and divorce
Myth: Women are just selfish.
Truth: Women give their entire lives to their families, and it’s about time we stopped doing that. Men are “allowed” to spend thousands of dollars on boats, hunting, and other things, and if the wife complains, she’s called a wet blanket or worse names. But if a woman spends $100 on herself, she’s excoriated.
Myth: Women are divorcing over trivial things.
Truth: Women are divorcing because of decades of mistreatment at the hands of their husbands.
Sexual coercion (marital rape) is just one of the types of mistreatment wives receive. Sexual coercion, which, again, is rape, is so common and accepted that it is taught in churches, and according to the Indiana Coalition Against Sexual Assault and other sources, it is far worse than violent rape at the hands of a stranger. So many Christian marriage books teach women to “submit” to marital rape that it’s rare to find one that does not.
Myth: Women are financially incentivized to get divorced.
Truth: Women are plunged into poverty, and many become homeless and lose custody of their children because of it. Ask yourself this: just how bad must that marriage be for a woman to risk these terrible things? Pretty ****ing bad.
Myth: The courts pay women to divorce their husbands, via child support and alimony.
Truth: Child support is nowhere near enough to cover the costs, let alone “pay women to divorce their husbands.”
I looked into divorcing my husband while my kids and I were living in a domestic violence shelter. The state employee told me the amount of child support I’d get for three children: twenty-eight dollars a month. I spelled that out that in words just so that it’s clear it is not a typographical error. To put that in perspective, that’s how much a meal at McDonald’s cost us at the time.
When I worked for a company where I handled employee paychecks, I saw the fifty-dollar child support amount on the paystubs of male employees. Today’s average is only a few hundred dollars a month.
Also, so few women can get any alimony at all that alimony is practically a unicorn. Stop spouting that crap.
Myth: Fathers can’t get custody, or it’s really hard.
Truth: Men do not want custody of their children.
Nearly 95% of cases are settled out of court, which means the man agreed to whatever the arrangement is. Many simply refuse. Since the 1980s, a man has had a more than 90% chance of getting custody if he only goes to court and asks for it.
It’s even higher if he is an abuser!
So, if a man tells you he tried to get custody and a judge said no, he is a walking red flag because either he is a liar or the judge had a really good reason to say no. As ZAWN VILLINES said in her article on this topic, “Only in a patriarchal society does a 93% win rate somehow equate to male victimhood.”
Are there exceptions? Of course! That’s why the stats don’t say 100%!
Books for misogynists and those who want to learn more
For those who believe any of the myths, and for those interested in exploring these issues in greater depth, the following books offer valuable insights. Note, these are Amazon affiliate links. As an Amazon Associate, I earn from qualifying purchases.
Enough: The Violence Against Women and How to End It by Harriet Johnson – This book calls for an end to the eternal flood of violence against women and the failures of our criminal justice system to respond.
The Second Shift by Arlie Hochschild – This classic book explores the dynamics of unpaid labor and the mental load women carry, providing a foundational understanding of the challenges within marriages.
Invisible Women: Data Bias in a World Designed for Men by Caroline Criado Perez – Perez’s work sheds light on the systemic inequalities and biases that affect women, including the economic and social pressures that influence marital dynamics.
Why Does He Do That? Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men by Lundy Bancroft – A comprehensive guide to understanding abusive relationships and the psychology of men who perpetrate abuse, offering insights for women contemplating divorce.
Fair Play: A Game-Changing Solution for When You Have Too Much to Do (and More Life to Live) by Eve Rodsky – Rodsky offers practical solutions for couples struggling with the distribution of unpaid labor, aiming to create more balanced partnerships.
Here are a few articles, as well.
Family Courts Are Biased Against Women
Misogyny, feminism, and sexual harassment
Conclusion
The divorce rate (the percentage of marriages that end in divorce) is lower now, and the shift in the percentage of divorces initiated by women is a reflection of broader societal changes. These include women no longer tolerating abuse, women pursuing financial independence and higher education, and women wanting to shift the disproportionate burden of unpaid labor and mental load.
As women continue to advocate for their rights, these trends are likely to persist. Through further education and awareness, society can foster more equitable and fulfilling partnerships. Support women no longer tolerating abuse and second-class citizenship.
If she divorced her spouse, people say that she destroyed a great marriage.
If she stayed in a bad marriage, people say that she picked the wrong guy and enabled her own misery by not leaving.
Damned if you do, damned if you don’t.
We. Are. Done. With. This. Junk.
Join the women no longer tolerating abuse and mistreatment. This should be our Roman empire until it is no longer needed.
Resources
National Bureau of Economic Research
Pew Research Center
National Domestic Violence Hotline
Journal of Marriage and Family
Organisation for Economic Cooperation and Development
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